Subway 101
---the following are a few of my daily observations while relishing the joys of public transportaion in the bustlin metropolis we affectionally call new york f'ing city.
If you don’t have an action plan in case your wallet falls in the tracks or some crazy nut pushes you in or you hear an explosion. You should get one. Also, if you don’t have a look that says “I’m invisible. You won’t talk to me, try to take me home or sell me AAA batteries or ask me for a penny”. You should also go out and get one.
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for cryin outloud...if you can't find one: go out. buy dark sunglasses. put them on. don't smile. walk.
when the homeless man with bleeding feet and an odor similar to rotting goat cheese or mackerel steps in your car...don't hold your nose and say "pee-yoo!". you see....thats rude and inconsiderate. it also makes the homeless man very upset and causes him to go into a short yet emotionally charged speech about how instead of holding your nose, you could maybe do something like tell him where to go for a job, take his resume, or guess the day's winning lotto numbers.
speaking of these things....forgetting to deodorize your pits and nether regions before embarking on the rush hour trip uptown is to the next person similar to someone taking the open anus of a large horse and wiping it across your face.
Next time, when running for that train ….remember that another one…just like it…same destination…more open seats….same speed even…is not far behind. This way when you fall headfirst on the platform….you can congratulate yourself on being the ‘subway idiot of the day’. You’ll be happy to know that many try and........many succeed.
So let’s say you don’t fall. Lets say you actually make it as far as the subway doors. What next?
From my observation, it is absolutely imperative and perfectly reasonable that you try and pry open the closing doors with your 100 pound frame. Stick an umbrella in there, your pointy toe shoe, your whole arm, head, leg or full torso will also do. Remember to use all of your might to try and work against the mechanical gears. Make sure the car full of people sees how hard you’re trying. This way when the door snaps shut breaking your umbrella, modifying your shoe or deforming your head, arm, leg and/or whole torso…everyone can say “boy. she sure did try. I’ll say A for effort”.
If you’re a beefy black man who secretly enjoys the fast beats of cher and/or celine dion…you should run out and buy the cheapest headphones on the market. You should put them on, pump up the volume and get on the next train. Relax. No one can hear it. Those looks are probably ‘cuz the females can’t get enough of your bulging biceps and the males are just hatin’.
If you don’t have an action plan in case your wallet falls in the tracks or some crazy nut pushes you in or you hear an explosion. You should get one. Also, if you don’t have a look that says “I’m invisible. You won’t talk to me, try to take me home or sell me AAA batteries or ask me for a penny”. You should also go out and get one.
-----
for cryin outloud...if you can't find one: go out. buy dark sunglasses. put them on. don't smile. walk.
when the homeless man with bleeding feet and an odor similar to rotting goat cheese or mackerel steps in your car...don't hold your nose and say "pee-yoo!". you see....thats rude and inconsiderate. it also makes the homeless man very upset and causes him to go into a short yet emotionally charged speech about how instead of holding your nose, you could maybe do something like tell him where to go for a job, take his resume, or guess the day's winning lotto numbers.
speaking of these things....forgetting to deodorize your pits and nether regions before embarking on the rush hour trip uptown is to the next person similar to someone taking the open anus of a large horse and wiping it across your face.
Next time, when running for that train ….remember that another one…just like it…same destination…more open seats….same speed even…is not far behind. This way when you fall headfirst on the platform….you can congratulate yourself on being the ‘subway idiot of the day’. You’ll be happy to know that many try and........many succeed.
So let’s say you don’t fall. Lets say you actually make it as far as the subway doors. What next?
From my observation, it is absolutely imperative and perfectly reasonable that you try and pry open the closing doors with your 100 pound frame. Stick an umbrella in there, your pointy toe shoe, your whole arm, head, leg or full torso will also do. Remember to use all of your might to try and work against the mechanical gears. Make sure the car full of people sees how hard you’re trying. This way when the door snaps shut breaking your umbrella, modifying your shoe or deforming your head, arm, leg and/or whole torso…everyone can say “boy. she sure did try. I’ll say A for effort”.
If you’re a beefy black man who secretly enjoys the fast beats of cher and/or celine dion…you should run out and buy the cheapest headphones on the market. You should put them on, pump up the volume and get on the next train. Relax. No one can hear it. Those looks are probably ‘cuz the females can’t get enough of your bulging biceps and the males are just hatin’.
posted by AfroPosh at 1:46 PM
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