blind and barren

its exam week(s)....

.................

which means i often feel like i could
completely
lose control of
any bodily function
at any given time...

its seems like when i haven't had attacks of intense panic,
i've been remarkably calm and collected.
this has been about 20% of the time
another 20% has gone to not caring and
the remaining 60% has been spent mostly panicking and/or eating in order not to panic

if my sticky notes are correct...
i'm still on track and only behind by a day and some hours in my studying schedule

i must say, i'm proud of me.

usually i dont even have a study schedule.
i just trust 'feeling' and 'sense' to know when i should pick up a book and u know...
read.

but lately...'feeling' and 'sense'
are two words i'm not too familiar with

enter sticky post it notes.
...tellin me what to do
cuz i obviously cant tell it to myself.

so u know....

the yellow notes tell it to me...


i've also lost my god given mind several times this week.
mostly its just these little explosions inside my head that no one even sees or hears

other times,
its been me callin my parents at 1am to scream down the phone
about how 'this picture isn't right'

*sigh*

better get back to these marginal cost studies....

hopefully the side effects of readin all this won't be blindness and/or impotence.

but u know....
it most likely is.

i'll be blind
without kids
cuz i studied too much economics....