Dear Advice Maven
Starting today, I'm going to add an advice column to my blog.
How did I come up with this brilliant idea you ask?
well, it's all very simple really.
...I give some damn good advice.
Really i do.
....
no, really.
ok, so I haven't decided if I'll start taking comments/questions thru my blog..but I'll consider it (you know how i am about opinionated people descecrating my sanctuary with their unnecessary commentary).
Anyhoo...so yea, for now...i'm taking questions from regular folks....a lot like you..who have issues...a lot like yours. Below is a question from Bathroom Blues of NY, NY:
Q: I love my girlfriend, but i'm not in love with her. So its like, I love her, but I don't love her love her. Lately, she's been asking if I love her love her, not just love her the way I love everyone like the Bible says to love them or like the way i love my grandmother. I don't know what to say, so I always run to the bathroom and stay there for awhile 'till she goes away. I think she's gonna break up with me soon. What should i do? I'm confused! HELP!
Signed,
~Bathroom Blues, NY, NY
Dear Bathroom Blues,
I have good news and bad news. Bad news is that you are confused. Good news is that you know you're confused. Actually, this is great news. Realizing you have a problem is the first step to actively ignoring it like i do. Some more bad news is that your girlfriend will soon leave you. That is... if she hasn't already "left" yet....if you know what i mean. Even more bad news is that you don't love this girl at all. Well, maybe its good news. I dunno...she could be the kinda girl that doesn't deserve love...so I can't call that one. But yea, bad/good news is that you don't even love this girl...and here you are all stressed out and taking cover in your own bathroom. You know, Your life would be brand new if you just said "hey, u know i don't love you love you right?" But I understand that you're a punk and haven't even entertained the idea of keepin it that real. Luckily, there's a simple solution to all of this. It's called a politician's lie and its the art of saying alot of something while saying absolutely nothing.
It's a simple 16 step process that should solve all your problems. well...not all of them 'cuz you sound like you have a few. don't ask how i know. I just know...
Simply follow the steps below:
1) Emerge from bathroom
2) Sit on the nearest couch or in the nearest chair
3) Lower your head and place elbows on your thighs.
4)Cover entire face with both palms
5) groan in agony for approximately 2 seconds (any longer and you'll sound like a wounded bison which will send her running out the door)
6) Run fingers thru hair or stare down at feet
7) Look up, make exacting eye contact and say "I love you in a way words can't even begin express" (be sure to place emphasis on the word "BEGIN")
8) Continue by saying "I run in that bathroom (point in direction of said bathroom) every day because I cant figure out how to express this kind of love. Baby, I just don't have the words....i'm so overwhelmed"
9) Look up at target with concerned & seeking eyes
10)Stand up and hold target
11) Whisper into target's ears: "Just 'cuz I can't express this in words doesn't mean I don't feel it"
12) Spend approximately 2 mins holding target
13)Sit down on nearest couch or chair
14) Position remote control as if to turn on tv then...
15) Turn on tv (she's gonna need time to filter all this non-love you just gave her)
16) Relax. Job well done.
The great thing about this process is that once you've got it, you've got it. The other stupendous thing is that it can be applied to almost any other desperate situation such as this one, so your ass is almost always completely covered.
and don't forget...practice makes perfect....
Yours truly,
~Advice Maven
How did I come up with this brilliant idea you ask?
well, it's all very simple really.
...I give some damn good advice.
Really i do.
....
no, really.
ok, so I haven't decided if I'll start taking comments/questions thru my blog..but I'll consider it (you know how i am about opinionated people descecrating my sanctuary with their unnecessary commentary).
Anyhoo...so yea, for now...i'm taking questions from regular folks....a lot like you..who have issues...a lot like yours. Below is a question from Bathroom Blues of NY, NY:
Q: I love my girlfriend, but i'm not in love with her. So its like, I love her, but I don't love her love her. Lately, she's been asking if I love her love her, not just love her the way I love everyone like the Bible says to love them or like the way i love my grandmother. I don't know what to say, so I always run to the bathroom and stay there for awhile 'till she goes away. I think she's gonna break up with me soon. What should i do? I'm confused! HELP!
Signed,
~Bathroom Blues, NY, NY
Dear Bathroom Blues,
I have good news and bad news. Bad news is that you are confused. Good news is that you know you're confused. Actually, this is great news. Realizing you have a problem is the first step to actively ignoring it like i do. Some more bad news is that your girlfriend will soon leave you. That is... if she hasn't already "left" yet....if you know what i mean. Even more bad news is that you don't love this girl at all. Well, maybe its good news. I dunno...she could be the kinda girl that doesn't deserve love...so I can't call that one. But yea, bad/good news is that you don't even love this girl...and here you are all stressed out and taking cover in your own bathroom. You know, Your life would be brand new if you just said "hey, u know i don't love you love you right?" But I understand that you're a punk and haven't even entertained the idea of keepin it that real. Luckily, there's a simple solution to all of this. It's called a politician's lie and its the art of saying alot of something while saying absolutely nothing.
It's a simple 16 step process that should solve all your problems. well...not all of them 'cuz you sound like you have a few. don't ask how i know. I just know...
Simply follow the steps below:
1) Emerge from bathroom
2) Sit on the nearest couch or in the nearest chair
3) Lower your head and place elbows on your thighs.
4)Cover entire face with both palms
5) groan in agony for approximately 2 seconds (any longer and you'll sound like a wounded bison which will send her running out the door)
6) Run fingers thru hair or stare down at feet
7) Look up, make exacting eye contact and say "I love you in a way words can't even begin express" (be sure to place emphasis on the word "BEGIN")
8) Continue by saying "I run in that bathroom (point in direction of said bathroom) every day because I cant figure out how to express this kind of love. Baby, I just don't have the words....i'm so overwhelmed"
9) Look up at target with concerned & seeking eyes
10)Stand up and hold target
11) Whisper into target's ears: "Just 'cuz I can't express this in words doesn't mean I don't feel it"
12) Spend approximately 2 mins holding target
13)Sit down on nearest couch or chair
14) Position remote control as if to turn on tv then...
15) Turn on tv (she's gonna need time to filter all this non-love you just gave her)
16) Relax. Job well done.
The great thing about this process is that once you've got it, you've got it. The other stupendous thing is that it can be applied to almost any other desperate situation such as this one, so your ass is almost always completely covered.
and don't forget...practice makes perfect....
Yours truly,
~Advice Maven
posted by AfroPosh at 10:20 PM
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