Stolen Moments...

So...the whole of today, i kept wondering what was up with the early morning Coldplay fix. I felt a bit melancholy...drifty i suppose. I figured it would be a random sort of day with some unexpected touches. Sure enough, before the end of day, I stumbled upon the expected in an unexpected sort of way.
Upon getting home & checking my mailbox, I noticed a note for a package to be picked up in the package room. The minute I saw the notice from UPS...I knew. As i lugged the box into the elevator and down the hallway...i knew. i wasn't sure i could handle it. but i'd known it was coming.
Minutes later, I was sorting through a box of some of Annette's old belongings. Baze told me a few conversations back that she wanted me to have some of her sister's things to keep close......or read...or just to have.... and I thought it was a brilliant idea. I guess i'd already found out sometime ago that I have a tailored mourning process...one which is completely engaging...confrontational....in which i break myself down and build myself completely back up....a real process. I knew that having a few of her things would help me push thru...at least towards acceptance. But as I looked down at the open box, I realized that I had done the complete opposite of what I was to have done. As i sat there, i knew that i had somehow abandoned my typical route and instead opted for the easy way out...pushing the memories away...into a dark corner where I wouldnt have to deal with or pick at them on a daily basis...like an unsightly scab.....as I usually do. .......Sitting on the floor and opening the big box full of her stuff only dug up all those backed up emotions. But i needed it....at least for now. As I sorted thru the box....each item brought back a memory of something...a party...a dinner...a random afternoon day. So I sat and cried. I cried for unfulfilled dreams, for life too short, for great memories, time well spent & stolen moments. As I laid each item out...I found that each smelled like her....well...except for the shoes...which smelled like shoes..and not old feet (cuz then i would have had to shake my head at her)..I found receipts from places she had been...flipped through books she had read....and then a few moments later, i packed everything back up....and put them away.
Moments like these are forever etched in my mind...and not to sound preachy, but these are the moments that allow me to remember...in a very acute way.... every day of every waking moment...that my mortality is real....that a good life is only that which positively impacts others...or at the very least...brings a smile to someone's face. And to remember that even in the face of the greatest loss...or disappointment...or tragedy...the trick is (and will always remain) to move on...& to live life like someone told you tomorrow would be your last...

I have no idea how this just turned into a self revealing, diary-like entry......but hey, sometimes we gotta give a 'lil more than usual...