.....Inescapable Madness
Song of the Day: Linkin Park's "Breakin' the Habit"
----
a not-so-funni thing happened on my way home from work tonite.
So...after wrapping up a late meeting....I decide that I'm too close to home to hop on the train, but too far to try and walk the long ass DC blocks. Enter...the shuttle bus. Not a bad choice in a city where the subway lines are so spread out... So I drag myself on the next bus headed home. So i'm sittin'...mindin' my business....returning some missed calls....assessin' each individual on the bus....drawin' important conclusions about what led a few to leave the house looking the way they did.....u know, mindin' my business.
Enter.....overweight, rather hideous looking middle-aged man with shirt all unbuttoned & sweat covered---hairy beer belly and man-tits--- fully out. He is more drunk than a skunk trapped in a barrel of absinthe.
...
So....I'm thinkin' to myself: "i wake up each morning. i go to work. i work hard. it is 8:30PM.i just came from a meeting where people lost all shapes & sizes of minds.i JUST.want.to.go.home".
Now, the most unsettling part of the whole sight before my very eyes is that this OGRE of a man...if you mentally buttoned his shirt and noticed his briefcase... appeared to have woken up this morning...as i did....& gone to work....as i did. Yet, somewhere, along the way, decided to get pissy ass shitfaced drunk...-as i did not-..... and hop on my shuttle bus.
I immediately decide the best way to let this pass is to just allow my eyes to slowly glaze over until i don't see, hear or smell the crispy ass wild eyed idiot standing to my far right.
No such luck.
So ....after attempting to sit....first on the lap of a fellow passenger....then in a seat....Mr. Gorilla proceeds to sing. very loudly. Something about "all is lost. all is lost. all is lost." I'm thinkin to myself: "yes. u are damn right. all is lost. all except that disgusting ass hairy protrusion you call a stomach...." Then he passes out...cold. SO...along we ride...I'm thinking.....10 more mins....10 more mins......& i'll be home.
THEN....
Without warning, the ogre starts to dry heave. I'm thinkin' "Oh---the----F**K----no---"
But, Oh---F**K----Yes........YES!...this beast starts to vomit his guts out....all over his fat chest. All in his sleep! You don't even know. I'm like.......what----in ----the----fresh-----burnt-----HELL?!
I mean, like...even from the point of view of someone who has seen ALOT...and i mean, alooot. I'm thinkin to myself...."yes. i will walk home. i will walk 12 EXTRA long DC blocks home in this 200degree weather & i will either a) pass out and lay in a pool of my own salty sweat or b)straight fry to a nice crisp burnt death . Compared to the emergency situation on the bus....i figure both of these choices would be what you might call a "luxury". This is so ridi-damn-cu-lous. So very ignorant. SO i'm waiting to make an emergency exit at the next stop when the village drunk wakes up....chest all fouled up.....and begins to stumble into innocent bystanders.
You should have heard the bloodcurling screams. You would have thought he was brandishing a semi automatic the way people took cover and screamed their brains out. So then, the driver screeches to a halt and orders an immediate evacuation..."PLEASE evacuate the bus and re-enter the one directly behind us!" he yells. Oh-the-DRAMA! I'm standing there. Just standing there. While everyone else goes insane.... i'm trying to take it all in.... allowing my brain to grasp what in the looney shit is really going on. So, I slowly "evacuate".....all the while trying not to become a victim of the mad stampede. So I think to myself....walk in this heat...?or chill out and ride for a few more minutes? I decide I'm too worn out... emotionally, physically &.... spiritually...to die a slow death from acute heat exhaustion....so I decide to follow the masses and hop on the waiting shuttle.
Then. out of nowhere...i hear a fresh round of bloodcurling screams & follow the panicked eyes of the lady standing to my front. As I turn around...*LO & F'IN BEHOLD*....I see the Musty Ass King of the Vomit Lands attempting to board the shuttle with the rest of us. Clearly, he is unaware that he alone is the reason for the mass exodus. You would have thought the red blazin' devil himself was trying to get on that shuttle the way everyone went wild. What happened next is nothing short of a mini mutiny as everyone starts to yell at the bus driver "NO! NO! PLEASEEEEEE! DO NOOOOT LET HIM ON THIS BUS!!!" "PLEASE! HE IS THE REASON WE EVACUATED! HIIIIMMMM! HE'S THE ONE!!!! PLEASE DON'T DO ITTTTTTTTT"
man.
So, I decide to try and get off this slave ship. But I can't. there's chaos. On both ends. I'm thinking to myself: "everyday.I wake up.I work hard.it is now 8:45 PM.i JUST-want-to-walk-maybe die en-route-and-go-home". So then the bus driver breaks it all up and says "sir. no. step... away from.... the door".
The last thing I remember seeing as the bus peeled off & before i experienced a temporary mental black out..........was the vomitous creature standing at the lamp-post looking horribly unloved & morose....like he had some biblical disease like leprosy or a body covered in lesions. u know...pretty much the look most people have when they reek of undigested food particles.
*sigh*
I'm not sure what the moral of this story is.
Well, actually i do.
The moral of the story is that you shouldn't take your pitiful half inbred behind to the bar & get disgustingly shit faced....if you know you have to embark on a journey requiring any mode of public transportation including, but not limited to: plane, train, bus, rickshaw, or canoe. At the very absolute least.........do us all a favor and walk your sad, staink ass home. No one. I promise. NO ONE will judge you as you lay covered in bile on a traffic heavy street or in the nearest gutter or poison ivy bush.
----
a not-so-funni thing happened on my way home from work tonite.
So...after wrapping up a late meeting....I decide that I'm too close to home to hop on the train, but too far to try and walk the long ass DC blocks. Enter...the shuttle bus. Not a bad choice in a city where the subway lines are so spread out... So I drag myself on the next bus headed home. So i'm sittin'...mindin' my business....returning some missed calls....assessin' each individual on the bus....drawin' important conclusions about what led a few to leave the house looking the way they did.....u know, mindin' my business.
Enter.....overweight, rather hideous looking middle-aged man with shirt all unbuttoned & sweat covered---hairy beer belly and man-tits--- fully out. He is more drunk than a skunk trapped in a barrel of absinthe.
...
So....I'm thinkin' to myself: "i wake up each morning. i go to work. i work hard. it is 8:30PM.i just came from a meeting where people lost all shapes & sizes of minds.i JUST.want.to.go.home".
Now, the most unsettling part of the whole sight before my very eyes is that this OGRE of a man...if you mentally buttoned his shirt and noticed his briefcase... appeared to have woken up this morning...as i did....& gone to work....as i did. Yet, somewhere, along the way, decided to get pissy ass shitfaced drunk...-as i did not-..... and hop on my shuttle bus.
I immediately decide the best way to let this pass is to just allow my eyes to slowly glaze over until i don't see, hear or smell the crispy ass wild eyed idiot standing to my far right.
No such luck.
So ....after attempting to sit....first on the lap of a fellow passenger....then in a seat....Mr. Gorilla proceeds to sing. very loudly. Something about "all is lost. all is lost. all is lost." I'm thinkin to myself: "yes. u are damn right. all is lost. all except that disgusting ass hairy protrusion you call a stomach...." Then he passes out...cold. SO...along we ride...I'm thinking.....10 more mins....10 more mins......& i'll be home.
THEN....
Without warning, the ogre starts to dry heave. I'm thinkin' "Oh---the----F**K----no---"
But, Oh---F**K----Yes........YES!...this beast starts to vomit his guts out....all over his fat chest. All in his sleep! You don't even know. I'm like.......what----in ----the----fresh-----burnt-----HELL?!
I mean, like...even from the point of view of someone who has seen ALOT...and i mean, alooot. I'm thinkin to myself...."yes. i will walk home. i will walk 12 EXTRA long DC blocks home in this 200degree weather & i will either a) pass out and lay in a pool of my own salty sweat or b)straight fry to a nice crisp burnt death . Compared to the emergency situation on the bus....i figure both of these choices would be what you might call a "luxury". This is so ridi-damn-cu-lous. So very ignorant. SO i'm waiting to make an emergency exit at the next stop when the village drunk wakes up....chest all fouled up.....and begins to stumble into innocent bystanders.
You should have heard the bloodcurling screams. You would have thought he was brandishing a semi automatic the way people took cover and screamed their brains out. So then, the driver screeches to a halt and orders an immediate evacuation..."PLEASE evacuate the bus and re-enter the one directly behind us!" he yells. Oh-the-DRAMA! I'm standing there. Just standing there. While everyone else goes insane.... i'm trying to take it all in.... allowing my brain to grasp what in the looney shit is really going on. So, I slowly "evacuate".....all the while trying not to become a victim of the mad stampede. So I think to myself....walk in this heat...?or chill out and ride for a few more minutes? I decide I'm too worn out... emotionally, physically &.... spiritually...to die a slow death from acute heat exhaustion....so I decide to follow the masses and hop on the waiting shuttle.
Then. out of nowhere...i hear a fresh round of bloodcurling screams & follow the panicked eyes of the lady standing to my front. As I turn around...*LO & F'IN BEHOLD*....I see the Musty Ass King of the Vomit Lands attempting to board the shuttle with the rest of us. Clearly, he is unaware that he alone is the reason for the mass exodus. You would have thought the red blazin' devil himself was trying to get on that shuttle the way everyone went wild. What happened next is nothing short of a mini mutiny as everyone starts to yell at the bus driver "NO! NO! PLEASEEEEEE! DO NOOOOT LET HIM ON THIS BUS!!!" "PLEASE! HE IS THE REASON WE EVACUATED! HIIIIMMMM! HE'S THE ONE!!!! PLEASE DON'T DO ITTTTTTTTT"
man.
So, I decide to try and get off this slave ship. But I can't. there's chaos. On both ends. I'm thinking to myself: "everyday.I wake up.I work hard.it is now 8:45 PM.i JUST-want-to-walk-maybe die en-route-and-go-home". So then the bus driver breaks it all up and says "sir. no. step... away from.... the door".
The last thing I remember seeing as the bus peeled off & before i experienced a temporary mental black out..........was the vomitous creature standing at the lamp-post looking horribly unloved & morose....like he had some biblical disease like leprosy or a body covered in lesions. u know...pretty much the look most people have when they reek of undigested food particles.
*sigh*
I'm not sure what the moral of this story is.
Well, actually i do.
The moral of the story is that you shouldn't take your pitiful half inbred behind to the bar & get disgustingly shit faced....if you know you have to embark on a journey requiring any mode of public transportation including, but not limited to: plane, train, bus, rickshaw, or canoe. At the very absolute least.........do us all a favor and walk your sad, staink ass home. No one. I promise. NO ONE will judge you as you lay covered in bile on a traffic heavy street or in the nearest gutter or poison ivy bush.
posted by AfroPosh at 10:38 PM
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