Gosh. What have i been up to lately?
Lets see...ive been working, travelling, eating, sleeping, & spending ridiculous amounts of time thinking of ways to become a better person.
Seriously.
Not like a better person in the sense of like becoming a nun and wearing a habit, but rather....."better" in the sense of not being a bitch.
This is funny to think about because, like, honestly, I'm the farthest away from a bitch than anyone I know.
Ok. that is
such an obvious lie. Which means i'm a bad liar. which is a good thing because i really don't need to add anything new to my "Things I Need to Work On" list.
As it is, I already have
one flaw on the list & thats way bad enough.
But, no...really. I'm a pretty decent person. My heart beats loyal, kind, sugar, spice, & everything nice. I'm mostly considerate....i'd even call myself "friendly on several occasions" & I'm quite straight forward and open...no dodgey behavior here.
Not because I don't desperately want to be dodgey & underhanded sometimes........ but because my body gives me away without fail and certainly without my permission. each. and. every. single. time.
plus I'm not adequately equipped with the mental facilities to fully orchestrate an underhanded move even if I was being paid lots of money to do so.
and had a gun to my head for extra measure.
But yes. I'm mostly unbitchy.
Well, unless I've been pushed into a corner and I have no choice. Then, and only then will I scratch your eyes out like a rabid muskrat.
Like if I hail a cab and as I'm opening the door... you appear, seemingly, out of the heavy Manhattan air to tell me you walked
all the way from across the street when you saw this cab & so its technically yours. You m'dear have just activated the bitch button and i will now slam the door in your face while hissing at you to step away from the hinge so i don't clip your chubby ass fingers and draw blood which I hope sprays across your crisp stupid looking white shirt.
That was this weekend.
Also, the other time when I might be a bitch is if i don't like you. Usually if I don't like you, I don't mind being a bitch to you. But even then, I like most people. or feel nothing about them. whichever. In either case, I usually don't keep people who i don't like around for longer than a nano-second. Bad energy you see. Which means that this person can probably only recall the
one time i was bitchy to them. One time, isnt such a bad thing.
But oh.........the
absolute worst is when i might go as far as to like you at first but then decide to my horror later on that I
absolutely can not stand the mere sight of you. Either because you have mysteriously sprouted hair all over your face and grown fangs the length of my arm or perhaps you have mysteriously grown a very bad personality. Either way, you're ugly & you smell. This has happened to me like, twice in my whole entire 23 (soon to be 24) years on this green earth. But this is ok too. Because, even you two people can probably only remember the
one or maybe those
two times i was a total bitch to you. Which was probably right before you became dead to me. Which, by the way, is a way of me forgiving you. Because, not only did I forgive you, I forgot all about you. Which means I followed the rules to a tee. "forgive and forget".
The point of it all is I'm not a bitch except maybe once or twice and only to a select few. Apart from that, I'm pretty predictable and can be counted upon to be, at the very least, indifferent to your existence. Which isnt half bad when I think about it. And by "indifferent" i dont mean "i wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire" but more like "I dont think i would notice if you were on fire...but if i did, i would totally douse you in piss".
So then you ask....what's the 'frikkin problem then?? What are you working on???
Well, you see....
It has come to my attention that while I might not be a bitch in real life. I'm a total bitch upon sight.
Meaning....when you look at me and I look back at you with what has been described as the stare of a soul-less woman (in my head, my eyes are smiling & totally saying "hi!" not "die. die now."), it might cross your mind that i'm not very nice...which might lead to you to then tuck your penis in between your legs & run off in the far opposite direction.
Meaning, once again...my body has impeded my progress in this world. As if lack of breasts wasn't bad enough.
In the past, I've usually found this whole set up to be beneficial to my social life as I'm mostly anti-people & anti-annoying goofy ass boys/old men who prey on innocent women in public, but lately.....I've been finding that its kinda hard to take over this male dominated world if the very men I plan to chew up and spit out are scared to death to approach me in the first place. Also, the next person that tells me "you were totally intimidating when I first saw you" gets a prize.
So, instead, I want to work on having the appearance of an innocent little furry bunny who just wants to be loved (the ones with the brown eyes. not red. thats very scary. It would also acheive the opposite effect). The kind that once you pick it up and hug it and say "you're sooooo cute! I just wanna love you!!!love you allll day longggg!" then bares its teeth and rips your finger off.
In my mind, that's the only way to take over this male dominated world. Which is exactly what I plan on doing.
But first, I have to stop choking up when I watch these Oprah re-runs.
