...because it takes alot of work to stay a loser....

Song(s) of the day: Madonna's "Hung up" & Jay-Z's "Meet the Parents"
---

So.

John Karr didn't actually kill JonBenet.

I'm sure there are people out there who are acting real surprised right now.

I wouldn't know why....seeing as to how anyone with a lick of good sense....knows that you can't trust a man who buttons the last button on his collar. I mean, anyone with a smidgen of common....yet it seems oddly rare.... God given sense knows that a man who traps his adam's apple behind a collar of any kind is most likely guilty of nothing more than being a TOTAL, UTTER, & COMPLETE loser. A loser of such massive proportions....that he can't even manage to pull off putting himself in jail for the rest of his life.

I mean...you know you're a real, godforsaken loser of all losers when you try and go to jail for a high profile murder and even that doesn't work out. For crying outloud! what in the blazin' hot hell does a loser of all losers have to do get some attention! some glory! some fame! DAMNIT! what does it take for a loser of all losers to end up in the slammer for life! What???? Burn up his collared SHIRTS!?!

You know John was all like in his room...alone with his shirt all fastened tight around his neck...with a cup of tea.....looking at "stuff" on his computer.....thinkin'....."i'll show those douchebags from high school i can be tough! I'll show them i'm so crazy...so crazy....they havent even seen crazy like this before. i'll show them i can kick ass! I'll lie and say I killed an innocent lil girl who didn't even do anything! They'll think "wow. if john could kill a cute innocent little girl who didnt even do anything.....hell! he can kill anybody! shit! he can kill ME!" ohhhh..... they'll be realllll scared then! so scared.....scared like they've never been scared before...scared of me!"
.....*takes a sip of tea*

Imagine the confusion over at John's family home in Georgia. There was probably a lot of muttering... checking of calendars.... calling up folks and then someone finally said.... "WHAT in the SAM HILL?! what typa crack is John smoking??! Why...he was right here eating xmas turkey the day before and after that lil gal was killed! See! I got snapshots! What is he on... METH ROCKS?? What typa devil's gotten in this boy?? Someone call 'em over there in Boulder...tell 'em that boy done up and lost his collared up mind...here...show 'em this picture from this here holiday when he was right here eatin' his mama's turkey...here...show 'em this picture of him in this collared shirt buttoned up all the way to the top...around his adam's apple. they'll know its him for sure!"
....then i'm sure his dad turned around to look at his mother...then added...as an afterthought ..."Mabel. you know, I aint got no plumb crazy folk over in my side of the family...."

Imagine the confusion over at the real killer's house. "....the he--....???? *insert confused chuckle*.....wha-? wait. for real??.....gosh. look at his shirt."

[I would also like to pause at this point to give a few kudos to those oh-so-dependable folks over in Boulder who caused a monsoon of hoopla.....prior to actually testing his DNA. Nice. ]

I remember the first time i saw Karr on tv. The reporter was all like "John! John! are you innocent?" and he turned around all trying to look menacing like Hannibal Lecter 'cept his collared shirt was getting in the way.....and he looked straight into the camera and was all like "No."
I half expected him to add ...."...and i ate her liver with some fava beans and a nice chi-an-ti..." but he didn't....he went on to talk all crazy about how he was there when it happened...it was an accident....he loved her very much.....so many details....TMI of all sorts....and i'm thinkin' "slow down now john...slow it downn..." but it was too late.....next thing i know, John's like...."I drugged her...." and then the reporter was all confused, looked down at her notes....flipped a few pages...and was like "John.....tests didn't show drugging of any kind." and then John looked down....and mumbled something like "oh." and then the reporter was like "what John?" and then he was all like "I SAID! oh."

and i was like......"SHIT. John! You are the biggest f'in loser i've ever seen in my whole entire LIFEEE! You STOOPID ass tight ass collar wearing DUMMY! You broke the CARDINAL rule of a good lie...RESIST GIVING TMI!!!! UGH!!! YOU ASSHOOOOLE!!! You are like, truly *the* DUMBEST LOSER ive ever SEEN!"

I wish i could drag his tightie whities far up his ass and then dunk his head in a toilet and flush it.

The Question of the Bathrooms

This weekend, while waiting in an incredibly long restroom line at a club....i realized something that really made me go "hmmm..."

Why is that the men's restroom is almost always empty while the women's restroom almost always maintains a never-ending line the length of the Great Wall of China?

Also, why is it that there's always the one girl in the restroom line who wants to have a lengthy ass conversation as the line moves painfully slow?
I call these girls the "Line Talkers" or "LTs" for short.
It usually goes something like this: [Drunk LT] "heyyy...i luhhhveee your ear...i mean hairs....my boyfwend ates me. is dahcing wiv this BITCH, CUNT, WHORE, on the danzzefuu-loorr! Can YOU beleafff that!?! I ateeee im! i ate her! ......I ate life! *insert quiet drunken sob of despair*"
Then there's the Tourist LT, "hey, my name is Stacey! people call me Stace for short. cool earrings. cool club. great music. OMG! I love this place! I'm from Tragic, Oklahoma. Most people don't know there's a place called "Tragic" in Oklahoma....but like, there totally is! people usually laugh when i tell them i'm from Tragic.OMG! ILOVETHISPLACE! AH! This is my favooo--rittee song in the wholewideentireworld! Do you like this song too???! Comeon, lets Dance!!"

usually, if you're the victim of an LT, you're thinking the entire time...these exact words, in this exact order: "shutthefuckupshutthefuckupshuthefuckupshutthefuckup"

Ok, so LTs aside. back to the root cause. that is, the line itself. In my mind, there could be several, logical reasons for the major difference in lines between the men's and women's restroom.

1)Men are aliens and only vist the bathroom twice a day to "pee"...which in reality means they're going in to report to alien headquarters about the men-like things they achieved during the course of the day (Item #1: Smacked Girl's ass. Told girl she was hott. Turned around and made out with said girl's bestfriend.)
2) Men pee outside in alley ways, behind garbage cans, and near cars more frequently and comfortably then previously thought
3) Men pee in the bed
4) Men never feel the need to check that their makeup, hair, and clothes still look flawless & that spinach or broccoli from dinner isnt stuck between teeth which, hopefully, dont have a glaring lipstick stain which definitely means that lipstick does not need to be re-applied
5) Men don't gather in restrooms in groups of two or three to have mini conferences pertaining to super hot guy by the bar with green shirt and gorgeous eyes & super hot bartender with black shirt & tattooed neck behind bar, period pains & midol needs, and unreturned texts from last week's fling (ugh! i sent him a text like, i dunno, 5 HOURS ago! He usually responds in like, 4 HOURS & 58MINUTES! He can NEVER love me the way i need him to! What does this MEAN!?! Quick. What should i DO!?).
6) Men hold in pee similar to the way they hold in emotions
7) Men don't bleed for five days or more once a month
8) Men tend to pee on surfaces other than in actual toilet, including but not limited to areas surrounding bowl, walls, & floors. Also, men see no need to wash hands or flush, thus shortening average bathroom waiting time for fellow man
9)Men don't go to restroom for drunken sob sessions
10) Men don't painstakingly line toilet with layers of tissue paper before sitting down
11) Men pee in their pants

....Oh,Michael....Ravage Me!

~i stumbled across this old Michael Jackson song buried deep in a random college winamp file titled "Slowies". (question. does anyone else still use winamp?...by "anyone"...i mean someone currently living and breathing in 2006...)

anyhoo, an excerpt from "Heaven Can Wait"

[CHORUS]
Tell the angels no, I don’t wanna leave my baby alone
I don’t want nobody else to hold you
That’s a chance I’ll take
Baby I’ll stay, Heaven can wait
No, if the angels took me from this earth
I would tell them bring me back to her
It’s a chance I’ll take, maybe I’ll stay
Heaven can wait...
I wouldn’t wanna go if I can’t see your face, can’t hold you close
What good would Heaven be
If the angels came for me I’d tell them no

DAMNNNIIIITTT MJ!
If you hadn't gone and taken all those damned crazy pills! Gotten drunk on the cuckoo cocktail! High off the Wacko fumes!

You woulda been BEGGIN' me to take my panties back...

Yes. i know what you're thinking.

You're thinkin' ...."hmmm. isnt this a lil obsessive/a bit possessive/sorta clingy clingy/potential wife beater-ish "I didn't mean to knock your eye out...its just that i love you SO much" kinda song?"

I mean, yea. I guess.

But still......a 'lil sprinkling of obsession never hurt anyone. A 'lil undying adoration certainly never destroyed anyone's self esteem.

...

damn you MJ.


you're almost always impossible to defend.

....He's bringing sexy back. She doesn't even know what that is...

[ this is britney making a painful face when asked about her recent demise. She responded by saying " hate all you want. say what you want. but my hubby K.Fed is a newly minted certified rapper. so there!"]

You know...a very wise man in a far away land...or on tv...or in a book...maybe even in an email fwd.... once said...."when a relationship doesn't work out. move on. God has a reason"

So, do you think Justin "i'm bringin' sexy back" Timberlake feels like he just won the "God's Got my Back" powerball lottery?


I would.

Plan B...because Plan A is Fast Unraveling

Growing up sucks big balls.

In my mind, this whole concept of "becoming an adult" should end when people turn 21.
I mean...if being able to legally drink urself into a blur of spinning rooms, highly questionnable behavior, and entirely disgraceful life choices is not a sign of being a full fledged adult...then damnit...i just dunno what is.
The way i see it, 21 would have been the perfect time to throw my hands up and declare with confident finality "well! I'm all done being an adult now! Its been real!".

but ohhh no.

the years had to keep comin'...and with each year came new responsibilites....new problems....a new set of seemingly unanswerable questions ("wait. do i really have to pay this bill? and this one too? wait. is this a joke? daddy? hello? DADDY!? did he hang up??").

like, its been kinda weird.....working full-time and pretending like it's a normal or an acceptable lifestyle for me. Keepin' this facade...this "anyone who's a real adult works full time" charade is incredibly exhausting. Mostly because i know it isnt true. For one, Paris Hilton doesnt work fulltime. She hobbies fulltime. Oprah doesnt work fulltime. She makes money equal to the GDP of a reasonably large country fulltime. Major, major difference folks.

like ,this one time, i saw 70 hrs on a timesheet and then right after that, i blinked and saw my name on the same timesheet. apparently, i'd blanked out midweek and gone into a zombie like trance as i picked cotton in the hot blazin' sun while Mr.Overseer whipped me across my sweaty back and kicked me in the stomach when i fell.

Also, for no good reason i can tell....and usually when i'm really tired & thinking of plucking out each of my individual eyelashes... my boss will stroll by my office and casually say over his shoulder .... "see ya saturday!" the same way one would say "nice shirt!" except the latter leaves one feeling fuzzy while the former leaves one feelin grizzly.

Usually when i'm busy looking for a pair of scissors...a letter opener...a rusted nail...anything. ...to gouge my eyes out... i think to myself "what's up with this guy? doesn't he know that I can just up and quit? What am i...a modern day african slave? I mean, I'm only doing this 'cuz i wanna. not 'cuz I need to or anything. Once summer's over...i'm going back to sch---. oh shit. wait. I graduated! oh shit, shit, SHIT....I havent even applied for that Phd in Fashion @ the University of China in Madagascar that'll buy me 5 extra years of doing much of nothing but reading glossy magazines & pretending to be smarter than the average while using really big words when ordering pizza or something else just as mundane...like...."the texture of this eggshell white cheese pizza against this alizarin...or is it maroon-sangria colored sauce...Falu red...thats it!... will so totally inspire my organza with lamé & tulle creation".

.....

The way i see it, if i must continue to be an adult, then i must be an adult who lunches, shops, and occassionally dabbles in botox treatments...just for the crow's feet around the eyes...nothing excessive....and says to the nanny..."you woke me up at noon to tell me there was a medium sized fire in the kitchen? what? you can't handle these things?"....kinda adult.

No, really, in all seriousness...this is my plan B.

...

No. really.

"I, like, cry, when I listen to it. it's so good."

...when i'm not busy hatin' Paris Hilton...I think I'm lovin' her

ugh!

Like, I can't decide which side to pick.

...such a difficult decision.

I heard her new song the other day and liked it before I knew it was Paris. *sigh* So now, its too late to un-like it. Then, I saw a tv show on MTV last night and she told a story about how she bought up a whole zoo of animals (u know, "a boa, a chinchilla, a llama, a BIG cat...and some other stuff") and tried to take them on the plane with her & when she couldnt....hitched a truck to the back of her limo and drove through Las Vegas with her best friend riding shotgun and the animal farm in tow.

...

I can't figure out if i think this is absolutely fabulous or absolutely deranged.

...but then, she also said she L-O-V-E-S Madonna 'cuz "she's like, a goddess". OMG! I too, L-O-V-E Madonna!!! I too, think she's a frikkin' goddess!!! Technically, this alone should have won her a good number of my loyal fan points. But then.....i remembered how she was such a sore disappointment on that porno that leaked......u know...the one that put all white girls in the world to shame. then why did she get all naked to sell a hamburger?!? I just dunno. I mean, now, she's tryin' to make it all up by making herself famous as someone with "talent" not just someone who's just .....u kno..... "famous". Enter her debut album...which she's been pumpin up as being so good it reduces her to tears. I know this mostly 'cuz she said "...i, like, cry when I listen to it. It's so good..."
hmmm.... shameless self promotion or honest to goodness truth?

Man, i just dunno sometimes...

Damnit Paris!....you make it so *HARD* for me to draw a conclusion on you!

I mean, I guess I could listen to her album...u kno, see if it makes me cry. Even tho...i'm not quite sure which conclusion would be necessary to draw if i were to indeed cry.

...

It would probably be the "Adieu, Tos's last chunk of mind...farewell..." kinda conclusion...


I'll keep you posted.

...Memory Lane...the Price of Beauty

....this is one of my fave pictures by Tony Gleaton 'cuz it reminds me of growing up back home in Nigeria. I remember the moments when my mother couldn't braid my overly thick hair & I would end up having to get it braided by my grandmother (...it hurt so bad I would feel like pissin' my pants)....or at the hair shop in the market. The moment of truth usally came when I i would have to turn my face around and tuck it in between the hair braider's open legs (...so she could catch the braids in the back....). I dreaded this moment with a passion. Until I grew older and learnt to take things like a black woman....this was the point where i'd usually bitch up like the child i was & either kick into the panicked high pitched shrill of someone gone completely mad or an incessant & incredibly annoying whine...much like that of a crippled puppy in the middle of a lonely highway....
My grandmother is the Queen of Scalp and Hair Follicle assault. She was famous for having no mercy as she tugged my hair off my scalp like it was made of steel & not skin and flesh. All the while hissing for me to keep my head still. On the other hand, the lady at the hair shop...while much softer on the scalp....definitely had a bit of a musk to her nether regions.

Come to think of it, I never could quite figure out which mental trauma I preferred.

All pain and discomfort aside....i definitely remember feeling like the --ish whenever the 'do' was all done. Traumatized, yes. but with a cool bangin' hairstyle like shuku, patewo, or sade adu to wear to school the next day. Man, you couldn't tell me a damn thing....

I---was---so ----fly....

FABULOUS is a state of mind...

My true loves....

Tobi (lil' bro') & Lolly (lil' sis')...

...joy (R) & i (L)

So Wrong in '06...

Song of the day: Fela's "Question Jam Answer"

----
there's some girl that works somewhere in my building and she always wears what looks to me like clubbing clothes.....to work. I'm talkin' mini skirt with platform stripper lookin type shoes. Like maybe she just wrapped up her red light district shift...sat at the coffeehouse around the corner for a few... and then walked down the street to report to her "office job".

I keep thinking maybe she needs someone to talk to....u kno...she's cryin' out for help.
that...or she's just a wild ass monkey.

like, today...i saw her...and i think i caught a bit of confidence in her stride.
u kno... the "i'm the shit" walk. the "im KILLIN' this outfit" walk.

From here on out....i will simply refer to her as "monkey".

i'm tellin u...

people just dont wanna do right in '06.

...on the way to San Pedro...

Everyday We Hustling...

Song of the Day: Lil Wayne "Weezy Baby" (I aint talkin' fast...yall just listenin too slow....)
---

Abi pointed me to this article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/5220490.stm

Basically, its the story of how an 11 year old Nigerian kid ended up in a Bangladeshi airport....alone.....by himself....and no one seems to know how in the heck he got there...

this.... mostly 'cuz his story isn't *quiteeee* adding up

...hmm....

I dunno....but for a mind as quick as mine.....I'm sure having a hard time understanding how a black african child ends up in Bangladesh. Like, of all places on earth.

but hey, like my father always says "if you get somehwere and can't find a nigerian..........humans probably can't live there"

so im thinkin maybe like....pluto or maybe......jupiter?

and even that, i'm tellin ya...just give us some time...like, a decade or so. Man, we'll be right there next to Richard Branson...riding shotgun... flying our black asses into space.

So anyway, for now, they're treating the little boy like a "victim" and handing him over to a charity that will take care of him.

lol....i'll be damned if nigerians arent # 1 when it comes to going *hard*. Boy, we go super hard. 'cuz we hustleeeeee babyyyy....

in other news:

how would u feel if people thought you were dead....or better yet, were anticipating your death....and instead of being upset..... threw parties, broke out the pinatas, waved flags, and got pissssssy tequila drunk................only to find out that you weren't dead...not even a 'lil....... and then everyone's like......"he's not dead? are u sure? man!"....and then....the music stops....& everyone walks away with their heads real low...... kinda sad...cuz...well...cuz u're not dead?

well...thats what basically happened to Castro.
I find this laugh outloud funni......mostly 'cuz....u kno....in my head, i can hear him being all like,
"SIKE! I'm alive bitchessss! I'M ALIVE!!!gotcha!!!SUCKAS!!!"


http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/02/us/02miami.html



lmaoooooo

This Month's Obsessions:

5. Staying out of the blazin' sun (....'cuz death by heatstroke aint a joke)
4. HGTV (oh..when oh when...will i have a whole entire house subject to my decorative whims?)
3.Vanity 6 + their killer fashion sense (don't ask me how i got on this...it just sorta happened. )
2.My sofa (it took two months to get here folks...two whole, highly unnecessary months)
1. This puzzle we refer to as -Life- (it all makes sense right after you die...i'm sure....)