Tried & True

It is quite possible to eat & sleep at the very same exact time

i know'

'cuz I just did.

Somethin' like a whore

I like how I had painstakingly planned out this coming weekend...every detail....like a few weeks ago....& how, when I got to work yesterday, my boss was all like "you're traveling to the City this weekend...project came up".

I liked how when his lips were moving, it sounded like he said "bitch. bend over."

I especially liked how I smiled and nodded like nothing in this whole wide world could have made me happier. Gleeful even.

I mean. I love the City, but mostly when I'm playing. Not working.

I even had a stupid lil' motto i made up to go with this clever idea: "Work in DC. Play in the City".

It made sense in my head. even had a 'lil ring to it.

Now that motto has become: "Hello. I work on saturdays. sundays too. in all area codes. & on very short notice. basically, i'm a work whore."

See? That doesn't make as much sense. and it has no ring.

*Ouch*

...seen on a NYC street corner
click to read
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Another one for Hugo Chavez's Book Club

"The President of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the addition of a hairdryer makes this claim any more ludicrous or offensive." ~ Sam Harris's "Letter to a Christian Nation"

Well, damn.

Paris Seeks Redemption, Gives $100 to Homeless Man

Song of the day: Panic! at the Disco's "But it's Better If..."
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Ok, I guess I should first say a small piece on the coup that took place yesterday in Thailand while the PM was away in NY.
Someone very wise once said something like, “turn your back for a sec and your chick will get screwed by someone else” or “never leave your bike unattended…or someone’ll steal it” or something like that. Whatever. The point is, damn. You take a quick trip out of the country and people wanna act all crazy & unrestrained and take over the country or what not. Whats up with that?
Not to mention how it must feel for this to take place while you're away at the UN Assembly where all your peers all of a sudden start to give you the sideways glance like “……sooooooo….um. *ahem*. man. Damn shame....*insert uneasy silence*” and you're thinking you have to start packing your bags since ...as of 10 mins ago...you're no longer in charge of the country on your name tag. You probably can't look anyone in the eye as you hurry from your seat and out the door trying to cover up your name tag.

Talk about an awkward moment.

Bet you can never talk to Thaksin Shinawatra about an awkward moment. like eva. You'd be all like "Thaksin. Man. I had the most awkward moment the other night when my pants spilt on the backside while I was dancing and then I slipped on a sweat puddle and landed on my face & when people came to help me, they saw I had on a thong and even when I tried to explain that men can now wear thongs...everyone kinda seemed freaked out and my wife was starting to look like "are you gay?" and it was....man, it was awkward."
I bet Thaksin would look at you all crazy & be like "......" ---- "you call that awkward?"

Then you'd have to be all like, "Thaksin. dude. chill. I'm just saying....look. Nevermind. ok?"

Ok, so on to more relevant news. Paris gave $100 to a panhandler. As y’all know, my feelings about this girl are anything but clear. But I don’t even wanna talk about her today ‘cuz that’s whatever. What I do wanna talk about is the panhandler in this video: http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1722094

Actually, I don’t really know what to say. All I know is that it all started when this man said “You Paris Hilton? Can I get a hundred dollars?”


AHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
...............................................................LMAO

hmm....

I may be laughing…but you know what? That’s right. He got a crisp ass Benjamin free of charge. I didn’t.

Tell me when last you asked a complete stranger for $100 and got it. That’s right. Never.

Man….that panhandler…we’ll call him Jim. He looks very much like a Jim.
Jim was probably so ECSTATICALLY high off his good fortune (literally and figuratively speaking)… that he thought to himself….. “Look Jim. You’ve been working hard. You deserve a vacation. Take a few weeks off from this begging thing. Take yourself out to a nice restaurant like TGIFridays or Chillis. Flash a few dollars in front of dem hoes on the corner. Buy ‘em a cheeseburger. Take ‘em to your box…have a good time.”

*sigh*….lol…I can’t believe he asked about “Lionel Richie’s daughter”….and then was all like “For $100, I might wash your car”.

No mannnnnn. You don’t MIGHT wash someone’s car after they give you a free $100 bill! That’s not a MIGHT. That’s a “Can I turn some tricks for your enjoyment?”
Perhaps I’m misinformed. But last I checked, a $100 bill didn’t come from washing a car with dirty water & a squeegee. Turning a couple tricks did.
If I were Paris, I woulda been like “oh. Really? Well, I MIGHT take my $100 back!”

If Jim had really thought it through…instead of being all distracted by the hu’ned. he shoulda been like:

“For $100, you can have alllllllll thiiiiiiiis *caresses chest*. Girl! don’t let this homeless thing fool ya! I’m a bad mutha-bleeeeep!”

That woulda been funny as all get out.

Sade's Bday

Sade's Birthday was two weeks ago and Bukky & I, along with Sade of course... had dinner at my place. We tricked her into the whole thing....yay for surprises! But I'm a disgracefully bad liar so I just kept repeating the line which was given to me by Bukky over and over again...thinking "any minute now...she's gonna know i'm totally making this up". But she never did! Anyway, It was fun mostly 'cuz we got to eat........alot. Mostly we ate Sade's fave foods...which included, among other things, a huge pan of baked macaroni & cheese (my most recent speciality)...bbq chicken...and lol...eba & efo (sorry non-nigerian peeps...I can't really launch into this explanation at the moment)....and of course the cake. Trust me...it was a pretty gross chow down...but oh-so-good. Honestly, save for the fact that it was Sade's Bday, it pretty much could have been any other day when we sit and eat our little hearts out (we missed you Fuu!). Anyhoo...some pics:



I would also like to add that...hands down....i know more people born in september than any other month. I'm not quite sure why December appears to be the perfect time for conception......perhaps....the festive-ness? the yuletide-ness? the eggnog-ness? In either case, I have a special place for September babies 'cuz we usually get along so well. November, of course, still remains the unchallenged BEST month of the year;)

Woman Kills Man with Bare Hands

Song of the Day(and on heavy rotation): Raheem Devaughn's "You"
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My dad sent me this link sometime this weekend: http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/09/16/intruder.killed.ap/index.html

His email read..."Funny?"

The link ended up being a story about a 51-yr old woman who killed an intruder with her "bare hands". Cops later found out the intruder was actually a hitman hired by her estranged husband.

Basically, she killed this man by choking the shit out of him.

I'm also thinking that she then whooped his ass with his own claw hammer.
I mean the article doesn't say that.
But I'm pretty sure she did.

In either case, I didn't find it funny.

no.







I found it HIL-A-RIOUS.


especially the "with her bare hands..." & "....a large woman, she was eventually able to get the slight [intruder] into a chokehold...." part.

I'm sure the hitman...wherever he is...is mad as HELL (which, coincidentally, might also be his current address) that her husband conveniently forgot to mention that his ex-wife had proportions probably similar to that of a sumo wrestler.

oh. he's probably also mad at himself for bringing a claw hammer to the scene....as opposed to....
oh i dunno...............................a double barrel?

He's probably thinking he needed to die for that.

Don't Blame Crack. Don't Blame the Ho. Blame Reality TV

So.... Bobby & Whitney are getting a divorce. We care because We don't care.

Well wait. On second thought...this might be the greatest, most progressive, "benefit to all mankind" incident to take place all year....so maybe we should care.

...

...and let the chruch say "amen".

What I really wanna know is where Bobby Kristina is.

hmmm.

Probably working your nearest street corner. Doesn't she just look like she doesn't live at home? Anyone's home for the matter? Like she's always "out"? ...Poor thing.

Alot of people...at this point...& with good reason...most likely want to blame poor innocent crack for the demise of this couple's marriage. I'm not so quick to jump to such conclusions. No sir. Even though we blame crack for everything, that would be the wrong kinda conclusion for us to draw today.

For one, I know for a fact that If there’s anything in this world that lays the foundation for a solid ass “ride or die”-Bonnie & Clyde, Batman & Robin, Thelma & Louise, white on rice--- typa relationship---its a shared illicit drug habit. Now, how i know this is none of your business. Just you focus on the fact that crack is not to blame here. Not this time. No. This time, it's that legal kinda drug we all know and affectionally refer to as Reality TV. I kno....
You didn't see this one comin'

DON'T BLAME CRACK: THE REAL TRUTH BEHIND .000002% OF DIVORCES

Almost every couple who has ever participated in a reality tv series has always, eventually, almost without fail….found themselves in the pits of some long time coming divorce. There was Jessica & Nick, Carmen Electra & Dave Navarro, Travis Barker & his No name wife, and now Bobby & Whitney. I’m not sure if it’s the horror of finally seeing yourself the way the rest of the world sees you….F’ed up & a clown….somethin’ to be laughed at. Or maybe it’s the fact that TV adds some body weight and shines a bright light on ugly. And we know….neither Bobby nor Whitney needed bright lights anywhere in their surroundings. In my mind, those two shoulda been kept in as dim a light as possible. This way we wouldn’t have been able to make out what was going on or what they looked like first thing in the morning, during the day, and last thing at night---all of which were horrific. But I digress.

ALSO, DON'T BLAME THE HO

People might also wanna blame Superhead Karrine Steffans for breaking up this “marriage”….but I really dunno why. Everyone knows you can’t blame a Ho for being Ho-ish. Why would you do that? She’s a Ho! Can you blame a duck for being a duck and doing duck like things? No! So why would you blame a Ho for breaking up a marriage? Its what she does! Its what Hoes worldwide do! It’s a Ho requirement! Can you turn a duck into a shoe? Of course not! So why would you try and turn a Ho into a non home wrecker Christian housewife? Leave that woman alone.

PETITION TO SAVE BOBBY K.

But honestly & on the real real, where’s Bobby K? Someone needs to go find that child and save her from her own future ASAHFP…as in As Soon As Hellishly F’in Possible. The last thing America needs is a combination of both Bobby & Whitney runnin' amok in the streets. There's enough war in the world already. Enough of everything. We just don't need that. Save Bobby K.

Stale Vanilla & Soda Crackers + New Pen Pal

Song of the Day: Jill Scott's "Not Like Crazy"
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I havent been home early enough to catch the 6:30 evening news for months now. I've been kinda bummed about it...'cuz if there's one thing i do....it's keep up with news.
Its like, CNN & MSNBC just don't have the same flavor the evening news has & no matter how many hours a day I stay logged on to NYTimes.com, I still feel like I'm missing that evening news touch...that last lil' kick.
I mean...i guess i could have DVRed it... but....u kno....im not like, tryin to be the highest caliber of dork here.
I mean, i did entertain the idea for a quick sec. i'll admit that. But this is SO besides the point...
Also, i'd like to say that I'd choose BBC any day over any news broadcast being filtered by the American media. But again....i deviate.

Point is....today....I had the unfortunate experience of catching Katie Couric on CBS.

....

Now, I'm always one to support a woman on her way to the top. Nothing like the warm tingly feeling i get when i see a cut-throat Queen of the World stepping on a few dozen testicles as she climbs up the corporate ladder.

....

but then there's Katie "the boring-est newscaster alive" Couric.

The difference between her and old, wizened Dan Rather escapes me.

As i watched her slowlyyyyyyyy do what she doesssssss ever so stifflyyyy....with her biege outfit & limp hairrrr..... i began to slowllllyyyyyyy have a strange craving for some extra dry soda crackers with a dash of stale vanilla

Perhaps i'm not being clear.

Our Katie's boring.
very boring. extremely boring. painfully boring. more boring than watching your grandfather sleep in front of a fuzzy tv. boring like being in solitary confinement without the voices in ur head to keep you company. boring like *yawn* *yawn* *yawn*

JEEZ Couric! Where's your pizzazz....?....you "omph"??! your newscaster attraction???

You know, as much as I'm all for the empowerment of women....at this moment...i would like to BEG Katie to please show some cleavage ASAP...maybe first thing tomorrow....like, KAPOW! BREASTS! Also, I would like to request some bounce in her very flat hair. Also, maybe some sparkle in her eyes and a dash of personality. Thanks.

In other news, I just got my iPod fixed with the help of some very nice guys over at the customer service center in India somewhere. As Arun, Abhijit and I sent emails back and forth.....I realized that we had sent more emails than most email relationships ever see. Not to speak of the politeness! the sincerity! the usefulness! None of that..."can i toggle your iPod" kinda talk. So, I briefly considered sending the following:

Hey Abhijit (i picked him 'cuz even his pre-formatted customer service letters seemed to give a hint of some personality...plus I kinda like the sound of his name coming from my mouth),

iPod's all better. Thanks so much:) How's the weather in India? Weather down here is Fall-ish....you know....60-ish. Kinda brisk. Not bad. What are your plans for the weekend? I'll probably go out with some friends this weekend. I'm currently listening to Lil' Wayne & Panic! at the Disco on my iPod. What do you like to listen to? Write me back!

Your pen pal,
Tos

p.s. are you married? If so, do not reply to this email. If not, please hit reply. Thanks!

...

so,

whatdoyouthink?

too strong? or just *right*?

Courtney just emailed me a stupid ole' note that said "Tos. John Legend is gay".
I wish i could pop her in her nasty ass mouth.

She's so full of lies that Courtney.
That's why her hair is so big. It's full of lies.

This Month's Obsessions:

Song of the day: Three 6 Mafia's "Side to Side"

5) Side hustle (...because everyone should have a *legal* side hustle ...passion + creativity=$$$)
4)Sleeping/loner behavior (...because me doing absoultely nothing or alot of something all by my damn self is BLISS. ....p.s. Sade is an absolute hater....)
3) Nip Tuck (....I'm not sure if any single show could be seedier or raunchier)
2)My two year plan (....now, lets watch God throw it out the window...)
1)Positive thinking (...it actually works...!)

Random

Song of the day: Sade's "Pearls"
---

I just saw TI's new video & it kinda messed me up a lil' bit....like, why would he die in his own music video? After Biggie's "Ready to Die" omen and Tupac's "I ain't Mad Atcha"...(where u kno....he dies in the video...then in REAL life!)...you would THINK TI would steer clear of such insinuations.

*sigh*

Does he know what would happen to me if he were to DIE?!
Man. I hateee people who toy with my emotions. But i somehow...oddly...still find myself lusting after this piece of heaven. I guess i forgive him.

Gosh.


He's so f'in sexxy. How does someone grow up to be so damned sexxy? so finger lickin'- slap someBODY's momma- sexxy? Would I lose all self respect if I had my one day with him? (yes. yes i would) Would I hop on one foot and bark like a little dog? (yes) A big dog? (yes, yes)

You know another sexxy man?

*sigh*

Lemme tell you about some John -hot steamin' sex- Legend.
Now, that's another man who could use & abuse me.
Saw his new video yesterday too. Love the song. Love the video. Love John. Love John's hair. Love John's clothes. Love John's facial hair.

In other very important news, every now & again, when I'm bored to tears or so busy with work, i NEED to procrastinate, I'll sneak onto facebook using my sister's account....to u know...just see whats new and fresh in the world of internet social networking. (read: look at random pictures)

Come to think about it... I think mostly i'm a sucker for pictures. Anyone's pictures. I don't even have to know you and i'll look at your pictures. You could be some random joe on the street like "hey, tos, wanna see my pictures?" and I'd be all excited like "Yes, of course!" I guess its 'cuz pictures tell stories & i like stories. Anyhoo, sometime this week or last...not sure...they launch the TACKIEST, WORST feature eva. Its called "newsfeed" or something like that and basically its like automatic stalkage. Every move you make, every note you leave, every invitation you decline or accept, every picture you tag or comment on and worse....EVERY friend you add (as in..."John Doe is now friends with Jane Doe"...) or (John is now single...at approximately 11:02 AM)...would be announced to EVERYONE in your network. it was the craziest thing. Like, total madness. Well, almost all of facebook...(thats alot...seems to me like 100 million people)...petitioned and formed groups and posted shit....and then like, today.....the founder...some guy named Mark issued an apology.

It started something like this: "We really messed up this one..."

He then went on to apologize in the most humble way & resolved to fix/do away with the feature & you know what..? it was the coolest thing eva to see a petition kick ass the way this one did. But even cooler to see someone 'fess up to having screwed up in a big way.

Then i thought...wouldnt it be incredible....like, earth shattering....if Bush were to get on TV one day and be like:

"Folks. We really FUCKED up this one...."

Rain, Rain, Puh-leazzzeee Go Away...

Hurricane Ernesto kicked my ass last week. Like, literally. You might have seen me.
I was the tall, gangly chick screaming and cussin in the middle of the sidewalk as I got knocked about, pissed on, and disrespected by Hurricane E.
This was the first time ive ever been abused by a man. This will also be the LAST time.

So horrid was Hurricane E, that I felt slightly triumphant at having made it home.
That is, as opposed to having been swept away & dumped in a filthy gutter somewhere- never to be seen or heard from again.

Rain, like most things, has the potential to have two very extreme effects on me.

I'm either sky high off of hearing raindrops outside my window as I bury myself deep under my covers.

Or

I'm extremely depressed & devastated off of having to get out of bed to go to work.

Yesterday, I spent my first few morning minutes laying in bed cursing everything that told me I needed to get up & go to work. NOT a good way to start a morning.
Even tho I was running 30 mins late, I took my time putting on some cute work clothes...you know... so my entire being wouldnt reveal my state of absolute despair...so the random passerby wouldn't see me on the corner of K & 16th and think "Goodness. She looks like she's in an absolute state of despair".

In spite of my clothes, the shitty feeling of doom hung about. I closed my office door and pretty much alternated between wallowing in work & self pity. I asked myself.....Why does it have to rain on the weekday?? Why do i HAVE to come to work??? Whyyyyyy!?! Whyyyyy ME??! *crying inside*

When I finally dragged my pitiful ass home, I dumped my entire body onto the couch and sulked like someone just told me I wasn't invited to their party. Like, the Rain on the Weekend When I get to Stay in Bed all Day Party.

So, four days of suck ass weather behind me, I feel like i'm returning to my normal self.
I even watched my first episode--the season opener---of Nip Tuck.

I think I might have found a new obsession.