It's Dark and Hell is Hot? or Not...

'cuse me a minute while i'm distracted by this new DMX song....




































...wow

this song makes you grab your chest in sheer unexpectedness

Last week...jumpin' on the beds @ Duvet...'till we passed out...

...of course...we had no shoes on...

The agony of the World Cup

Damn Ghana. You didn't get your ass WHOOPED didja?
lawd have mercy...

Dear Advice Maven

Starting today, I'm going to add an advice column to my blog.

How did I come up with this brilliant idea you ask?
well, it's all very simple really.

...I give some damn good advice.

Really i do.

....

no, really.

ok, so I haven't decided if I'll start taking comments/questions thru my blog..but I'll consider it (you know how i am about opinionated people descecrating my sanctuary with their unnecessary commentary).
Anyhoo...so yea, for now...i'm taking questions from regular folks....a lot like you..who have issues...a lot like yours. Below is a question from Bathroom Blues of NY, NY:

Q: I love my girlfriend, but i'm not in love with her. So its like, I love her, but I don't love her love her. Lately, she's been asking if I love her love her, not just love her the way I love everyone like the Bible says to love them or like the way i love my grandmother. I don't know what to say, so I always run to the bathroom and stay there for awhile 'till she goes away. I think she's gonna break up with me soon. What should i do? I'm confused! HELP!

Signed,
~Bathroom Blues, NY, NY

Dear Bathroom Blues,

I have good news and bad news. Bad news is that you are confused. Good news is that you know you're confused. Actually, this is great news. Realizing you have a problem is the first step to actively ignoring it like i do. Some more bad news is that your girlfriend will soon leave you. That is... if she hasn't already "left" yet....if you know what i mean. Even more bad news is that you don't love this girl at all. Well, maybe its good news. I dunno...she could be the kinda girl that doesn't deserve love...so I can't call that one. But yea, bad/good news is that you don't even love this girl...and here you are all stressed out and taking cover in your own bathroom. You know, Your life would be brand new if you just said "hey, u know i don't love you love you right?" But I understand that you're a punk and haven't even entertained the idea of keepin it that real. Luckily, there's a simple solution to all of this. It's called a politician's lie and its the art of saying alot of something while saying absolutely nothing.
It's a simple 16 step process that should solve all your problems. well...not all of them 'cuz you sound like you have a few. don't ask how i know. I just know...

Simply follow the steps below:

1) Emerge from bathroom
2) Sit on the nearest couch or in the nearest chair
3) Lower your head and place elbows on your thighs.
4)Cover entire face with both palms
5) groan in agony for approximately 2 seconds (any longer and you'll sound like a wounded bison which will send her running out the door)
6) Run fingers thru hair or stare down at feet
7) Look up, make exacting eye contact and say "I love you in a way words can't even begin express" (be sure to place emphasis on the word "BEGIN")
8) Continue by saying "I run in that bathroom (point in direction of said bathroom) every day because I cant figure out how to express this kind of love. Baby, I just don't have the words....i'm so overwhelmed"
9) Look up at target with concerned & seeking eyes
10)Stand up and hold target
11) Whisper into target's ears: "Just 'cuz I can't express this in words doesn't mean I don't feel it"
12) Spend approximately 2 mins holding target
13)Sit down on nearest couch or chair
14) Position remote control as if to turn on tv then...
15) Turn on tv (she's gonna need time to filter all this non-love you just gave her)
16) Relax. Job well done.

The great thing about this process is that once you've got it, you've got it. The other stupendous thing is that it can be applied to almost any other desperate situation such as this one, so your ass is almost always completely covered.

and don't forget...practice makes perfect....

Yours truly,
~Advice Maven

I love to bury myself in bed...when it rains...

Bandwagons & Frick-Frack

Foofie (my frick) has a photoblog: www.foofie.shutterchance.com
I'm tempted to climb on the bandwagon too...(although i don't think i need yet another creative outlet)... cuz she makes it look so fab and fun...and u know i like to be in on fab & fun. These days you cant miss her...she lugs a rather attractive, recently acquired professoional camera around her neck and when she's not taking beautiful stills and the such...she's prepared to capture you looking "candid"....which is my codeword for "brokedown"...lol.... watch out

and across the ocean... Keke (my frack), or shall i say Isis, has her very own radio show! It's on Wednesday nights on Rhythm 93.7 ....in Nigeria that is....lol...
still...check it out if you ever happen to get the chance...

I, on the other hand...have busied myself with not jumping on yet another bandwagon....(erm...that would be the WorldCup). I had to respect myself after Tobi pretty much disrespected me for jumping on certain sport bandwagons when its time for the "big games". According to the boy...to be respected as a true fan of any sport....one has to be in the mix from jump. No yannin and carrying on....calling boys to talk to them about scores...when, in fact, you're just seeking attention....(i hope u get the sense of the kind of disrespect i sustained...)...just when the "big games" are on...because constant dialogue, observation, and monitoring are needed year round in order to be taken serious by any true sports fan.

IN either case and all the lecturing from a 15 year-old aside, I'm still semi on the WC wagon and as can be expected...have placed all my money on Brazil...go Ronaldinho! By the way....walking around the City this weekend....would leave one thinking that New York has the largest Brazilian population....from LES to Midtown to Harlem....one more Ronaldinho jersey and I would have wondered if I was even still in America. Sheesh!

but yes....where was i?

ah yes....not jumping on the bandwagon....only semi-ly... still watching closely....lets just hope there's no freak show incident a la the 2006 Final Four which was only the biggest sporting debacle of the whole entire year....

*sigh*

Ok... i'm rambling....back to the office work I brought home...please see time of posting below... (we'll discuss this issue later) ...

A Special Thank You

Song of the Day: Esthero's "Fast Lane"

I woke up this morning feeling like I spent the night in an abandoned car.

I don't even know if my eyes are open all the way.

or if I'm sleep typing. or dreaming. or in a parallel universe that ive been placed in after being abducted by extraterrestrials who drained my brain fluid for experimental purposes.

I hope I don't look as shitty as I feel. 'cuz then I would look pretti shitty. like a dirty whore. a dirty whore on crack rocks. a dirty whore on crack rocks with a cheap wig atop her head.

A very special thank you to Fuu and Sade for the record breaking 30 mins of sleep I got...and the 10 hours of sleep they're currently working on.

Thanks alot.


I swear...if it wasn't for this crack in a can...

Very Important Question of the Day

Why do people say "you can't have your cake and eat it too"?

It almost drove me mad standing under the shower....trying to figure out...how i got bamboozled into saying such rubbish. such bugaloo. What have i been...brainwashed?

'cuz like....why? Why can't i have my cake and, in fact, eat it too?
like, what else am i supposed to do with the damn cake? Admire it and keep it in my pocket?
I mean, I've said this phrase countless times in my 23 years.... in the most serious of situations with the most serious of faces. ...and meant it. I've said it with omph and felt clever afterwards. I've done so much with this phrase. Goodness....I'm so distressed. I mean, i have to check myself to see if I've been jumping on any other bandwagons of foolish sayings and foolish do-ings in general.
I mean, in a world of common and logical sayings such as "a rolling stone gathers no moss" "make hay while the sun shines" and "shake that laffy taffy"...someone comes up with "you can't have your cake and eat it too"?

and then everyone follows the stupid leader and makes it one of the most popular sayings of all time.

We can do better people.

so much better...

Save the children. Stop the spread of stupid sayings.

Oh Brit Brit

This, my friends, is how i know that money...lots of it....a world full of benjies...Oprah's life savings even.....can not take the ghetto and/or trailer trash out of any one.

So Brit and KFed are jocking brangelina so *hard* that they've decided to have their baby's twin (yes, their baby's twin. they're just...what?...4 days apart??)...in Namibia as well.
Like this wasn't l-a-m-e enough....she adds to the ridiculousness of it all by allowing all these stale & ignorant mind particles to come fallin' out her country ass mouth.
According to Brit-Brit, "Kevin has always been a fan of African-American culture, I'm sure he'll feel at home there, rapping with all the natives. Besides, there's lots of quiet unpaved roads where Sean Preston and I can go driving."


foolish. just plain foolish.

Note to Britney: Fire your PR agent for allowing you to think and speak on your own terms.

More here:
http://www.playfuls.com/news_0000559_Britney_Spears_to_Follow_in_Brangelinas_Footsteps.html

Say YES...to crack

Song (s) of the day:
"Drive Slow" featuring Kanye West, Paul Wall, Gangsta L Crisis & Tony Williams
"Wise One" by John Coltrane
---

I realize that i'm a bit slow coming to the glory...but I just wanted to share the fact that Red Bull Energy Drink has saved my life no less than 1 kazillion times this week.

Look, forget Starbucks and the double shot espresso. Forget that weak, tar tasting black coffee at home. Actually, go ahead and just forget the idea of actually going to bed at a reasonable hour so you can wake up feeling refreshed and re-energized instead of feeling like a hung over two cent whore. Forget that.

I'm telling u...just stock up on some Red Bull and seize the bloody day. Don't sleep even....for a whole week. See how Red Bull comes through on the clutch. Mix it with your liquor of choice and really get the party started! You'll be like the tazmanian devil. No one...I repeat...no one will be able to stop your sexy.

OK, so I have no idea what "taurine" and "inositol" are ...but they're in the drink...and I imagine they're derived from the same chemical elements as "crack".
I mean...when I'm on this stuff....i'm all wide eyed every minute of the day and sometimes I really do feel like I have wings.

now, wait a gosh darn minute....

"red.bull.gives.you.wings"

what do you think this means?

....Do you think Red Bull is crack in a can?


lol. that's kinda funni. "crack in a can".

If I were a marketing exec, I'd put my entire life's career and pinkie toe on the line and say " the brand "Crack in a Can" will be revolutionary...i think we stand to change the world with this concept".

we'd have a whole line of "Crack" products like "Crack in a Bottle" for those who prefer plastic..."Crack Seasonings" to have folks saying "your fried chicken is like CRACK...i just can't get enough!" to which you would answer "its that CRACK soul food seasoning!"
or when your boss says to you "wow dave, you've really come through this week! Our sales have gone up by almost 100% thanks to your round the clock work!" and you'd say "yea boss, it must be that CRACK!"

I guess we wouldn't wanna take it too far tho....like putting Crack in a Can products in schools or churches or anything crazy like that just in case...u kno.... people really started getting offended.

On Heavy Rotation:

Song of the day: Outkast's "Mighty O"
----
Listen to it.

Buy Here!

Support Mike (reppin' Naij & Liberia) & I Love Beeing @ www.ilovebeeing.com

Be like Kanye and support Haydar (reppin' Naij...Ile-Ife to be exact--*get hype*--...among others) & K!ser @ www.kiserny.com...http://www.myspace.com/KISERLAUNDRY